Farewell Dear Skin, Farewell....

Well, incase you’ve been wondering where the hell I’ve been for the past couple weeks, well, honest answer is that I’ve been enslaved! Working like a donkey, having been mercilessly thrown into a job I was kinda hoping to rather slip and slide into. BUT, whereas earlier, I would have b*tched and moaned till noone could take it, this time, I am absolutely loving it! Work, insane as it is, is actually good fun – I bark orders, type rude emails and make phonecalls all day long, and get this…..this is the clincher…….some sadly misguided people somewhere out there JUMP! Am absolutely loving it! Someone hand me a whip to crack!

Anyway, since my life is no longer my own, I have no time to write nonsense (this I am very sore about) But today, I decided to steal a couple of minutes to tell you all a very sad and shocking story. (I realise that I seem to sell endless stories….I have acknowledged my problem)

So, as I recall, twas many moons ago, when I was aged 5, and Older Sister was still the centre of my universe (please don’t ask…it’s taken a lot for me to admit this) I was determined to learn how to ride a bike, because as far as I could see, all the cool kids in the hood rode bikes. (I have issues with being left out!) Father, being the rather busy person that he was, tasked our gardener, Moffat with teaching me to ride sans safety wheels. Now I have not introduced Moffat to you before, which is actually rather surprising considering that he was a huge part of my childhood. Moffat was the love of my 5yr old life! Him and I were thick as thieves, and I spent many an afternoon pushing my doll (Sally) in a pram around the garden, dutifully watching her daddy Moffat work (yes, I had decided that Moffat was Sally’s true father)

Anyway, twas decided that Moffat would teach me how to ride, and Older Sister, sensing a potential mocking situation, proclaimed that she was coming with! Now, we lived on the top of a hill (literally), and the only way up and down was via some rather suspect looking dirt road. It was to the top of that suspect road that I was led like a lamb to the slaughter, by non other than my beloved, Moffat, and Evil Incarnate, Older Sister. Naiive and trusting as I was, I calmly went along, and dutifully complied when Moffat instructed me to sit astride the bike and “get a feel for it”.
It all happened so disturbingly fast, but one moment I was perched astride my bike, and the next moment I was hurtling towards certain death after having being shoved by my beloved and Evil Incarnate.

Such treachery, treason, “et tu Brute?” Then fell great trusting, Star…….

I yelled, I screamed – blood curling, heart wrenching screams as I careened down the dusty road, trying desperately not to be flung off. Every bump represented a potential shortcut to the after life, and gripping the handle bars till my knuckles ran white was all I could do from closing my eyes and saying my goodbyes. Looking back, the whole ordeal must have lasted all of 15secs, but way back then, many moons ago, MY LIFE FLASHED BEFORE ME EYES!
Despite all my prayers for the road to miraculously become a steep incline as opposed to decline, I ended up ramming full on into a rather large pile of boulders.
It all came to a very quiet and rather bloody end.

Then and only then, did Moffat and Older Sister decide to run down and see why my screaming had ceased so suddenly. They found me strewn over the boulders, bike in two, and sans very little attached skin! (the boulders had seen to that) I think it was the rather pitiful sobs that finally caused the realisation of the gravity of their sins. Someone was gonna pay………

Knowing that a fate of certain death awaited them if the took me home to Ma Kachisa in my current pitiful state, Moffat and Older Sister took the high road (cowards, I tell ya, cowards) and decided to bribe me with endless junk. I was quickly sheperded off to the local clubhouse, where I was cleaned up (as best they could considerring I was now a skinless freak), and plied with copious quantities of Lunch Bars and Coke. All these “offerings” I gladly accepted, with the undertsanding that I would never breathe a word to Mother Kachisa as to how I came about my injuries.
After what seemed like a heavenly eternity ingesting junk, Moffat and Older Sister deemed it safe for me to return home. Did they have another thing coming……



















The instant I was within wailing range of Mother Kachisa, all the water works that had ceased 3 hrs earlier returned with renewed vigour. I put on a grand performance – any thespian worth their salt would have been proud.
The script ran a little something like this:

Star – “Oh Mother, Mother, look what they did, look at my knees, aaaaaarrgh!”

Grossly exaggerated sobbing accompanied by dramatic hand gestures

Mother Kachisa – “Oh my child, my child, my poor child – who did this to you, tell
me!”

Older Sister starts to slink away ever so quietly……

Star – “It was her!” (Pointing accusingly at Evil Incarnate) “She did this – she shoved me down the hill!”

More grossly exagegerated and heaving sobs and occasional wailing much akin to a banshee

I won’t continue, for what ensued was a wonderful display of parental disciplining – The Bible does say after all, “Spare the rod and spoil the child”. And that rod was not spared.

So I got my own back, and that was the day I finally learnt to give as good as I got. (Older Sister, you taught me well) As for my beloved Moffat, well…..our relationship was never quite same. One never does get over such betrayal.........