School Days

I've just finished reading the most entertaining book ever! (well, in my world anyway) It's a book called Spud by a South African writer named John van de Ruit. As far as I've gathered, it's loosely modelled on his life, growing up and going to boarding school for the first time. It's hilarious, an absolute gem - I nearly peed myself.

As a boarding school child myself, I was totally immersed in Spud's world, and every story and moment brought back memories of hostel life. I remember that the day scholars were always under the impression that boarders were a sad bunch of folk who's parents couldn't wait to get rid of them. Thus they were forced to eke out an existence in hostel with very suspicious food and wickedly evil matrons - sorry to burst your pity bubble, hostel was the best experience I ever had! It was a rip-roarous affair with endless encounters with persons totally touched by madness! Let me introduce you to a few of those individuals who made my life one big smile.

1. Ash Grey aka Mrs Hassle - Residing well beyond the lunatic fringe, our head of hostel was the reason I learnt to cuss! Aptly named for the colour of her beady eyes, she took great pleasure in tormenting us all with her labradors, Bracken and Fucken (names they earned after a 2am chase of one of our smaller (weanier) prefects down the corridor) I had dreams of feeding them a poisoned steak.
2. Tappy aka Mrs Tapson - A wheezing asthmatic who smoked 3 packs a day. Picture really dried prune? See Tappy. She loathed me and my loudness - I pulled forkies when she wasn't looking.
3. Peggy/Eileen aka Mrs Clarke - the dreaded Head Mistress. Never has there been a more unpopular invidual - I wonder what it's like to feel the collective hatred of 800 schoolgirls.....And if you're wondering where the names came from, she had a wooden leg - go figure.
4. Mr Rob - One of only 3 male teachers at school (this was TOTALLY contrived) and an absolute darling....only problem was the rather embaressing issue of what we decided was pubic lice.What else would cause a grown man to scratch himself throughout a 2 hr history lecture?
5. Mr Ashley - Over-educated pommie with dilusions of grandeur.
6. Mr Nyanz, aka My Nyandoro - I'm a bit worried about typing out what I know about My Nyanz....in fact, I'm not gonna, tis too disturbing.
7. Mrs Mckay - Try as I may, evil as I am, I have no ill words to speak of Mrs Mckay. To this day she remains the single person who totally inspired me. She introduced me to Eliot and Donne, and furthered my love affair with Shakespeare. From Yeats to Plath to Conrad, Mrs Mckay lit a fire that still burns inside me. Okay, even I can hear the awful sucking........I have to say something nasty......nah, nope, nothing at all. Mrs Mckay just totally rocked!
8. Mrs Haxen - In my opinion, the one most touched by madness. She told the most unbelievable stories though - I still remember something about Elephantisis, testicles and a wheelbarrow.....
9. Mrs Mcarthy - more madness
10. And last but by no means least, Mrs Temlett - another English teacher, and like Mrs Mckay, I loved her to bits too. She was loud, raucous and played the piano like she was possessed. I remember something about the head of music banning her from touching the baby grand......Mrs Temlett was an absolute hoot and all passion. She croaked when she sang and smoked like a freak - just my kinda girl.

There were so many others, each filled with their own idiosyncracies and quirks - a right old riot of lunatics. I adored school days - they made me into the idiot that I am, and for that I shall forever be grateful!